The Underdeveloped Story

So this is the New Year. Do I feel different? Possibly. I'm not really sure just yet. Although I doubt this change in emotion really has anything to do with the change of the decade. I think this is just me changing as a person. It happens occasionally doesn't it? I just want to perfect what has flaws. Seemingly an impossible task but I have years to continue the improvements.

Last night when the ball dropped, I had a strange heart to heart with my father. The thing you must understand is that my father and I haven't spoken for about 4 months. He and I basically came to a one sentence understanding that we shouldn't be living like this. Considering we still do live together. So by baby steps we've been trying to mend what's been screwed with. It's not working at any great speed but we actually said something to each other today. He even bothered to crack a telephone joke regarding the amount of time I spend on the phone with my boyfriend. It was unusual, but it brought back some strange feelings of nostalgia. I guess all along I've missed my dad. It's just a question of when he's willing to be my dad. He'll be great for periods of time, then the tiniest of thing will set him off and my mother and I cease to exist. It's taken a bit of time to get used to the reoccurring incidents. I know we're getting better, but I also know as soon as it gets better he'll go back to his old ways. I'm just not ready to give up on our father-daughter relationship just yet.

On another note; I've actually come up with New Years resolutions. Believe it or not. If I can stick to them, that'll be another story. I guess we'll just have to wait it out and see.

Right now I'm listening to some old school Anberlin (back when they radiated awesomeness) and being a bit reminiscent. It's going to be a year since I last saw them play on January 13. It's been a while since I gave them a good listen and it feels a little different. That's what I love about music; you can put a record down and pick it up in a year and everything will just come rushing back to you. Music and memory hold together in my mind. Anyways. Life is decently good. No complaints so far-- well not many.


While spell checking this entry, under suggested things for the mispelling 'Anberlin' was 'Angela'. I say it's a sign. Or not.

Empty Resolutions and a Happy New Year

'So this is the new year and I don't feel any different.'

New Year -Death Cab for Cutie

Every year at this time I'll look back and listen to this song. Ben Gibbard basically summed up all my emotions on this night into four minute and six second. What changes except a number? Why do we try to change ourselves only once a year? Why can't we make resolutions whenever we feel the need to? If you have a problem, fix it before it gets worse. I don't know. This is just my dissatisfaction talking really. Is 'dissatisfaction' even a word? ...2009 was definitely a year to remember and definitely a year of many firsts but I can't help but feel helpless that I missed out on so much.

They say that so many days in our lives pass with no particular memories of it. Nothing exceptional happens everyday. One can see things one of two ways; either everything is a miracle, or nothing is a miracle. I find myself in the middle of that. I want to appreciate the little things, and I try to it's just-- I don't want a single day of life to pass without it being memorable in some way. Think about it; if the average female lives to 86 years old, that's only about 31390 days of life. How many of those days will the woman on her death bed remember? Will it be her first steps? Her first kiss? Moving out? Her wedding? The birth of her children? Grandchildren? What defines a life? Nothing in particular really defines mine.

I heard this quote a while back that I really liked.

'Life isn't measured in the number of breaths you take, but the moments that leave you breathless.'

It puts things into a really good perspective. This year was the year of major changes some for the better, some for the worst. I guess I just really miss the way I used to feel. It's weird.

I just want to be left breathless. Always.