Period.

Congrats Darling You! You're 21 days late on your period! Woooooo!

So you're either....

a) Pregnant (unlikely)
b) menopausal (also unlikely)
c) freakishly late (how is that possibly at my age?)

I'm bloated and crampy and I want to die. fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

Whatever this is. This is bad.